by POLLY WANNAKRAKA DVM                 

   There seems to be a growing propensity for the keeping of rats as pets...I highly advise against this practice for the following reasons.

     First of all, rats are in the Rodent family and are considered a wild, carnivorous mammal with a copious breeding habit leading to uncontrolled reproductive abundance. Many people are ignorant to the fact that the Plague, was directly tied to flea infestation of rats in Europe. Millions of people died from this dreadful malady until officials instituted a law prohibiting co-habitation through ownership of these creatures.

     European animal handlers and trainers were called upon at that time to help control the growing rodent problem by training felines to hunt and attact the dastardly creatures. Many people believe that the cat has always been a natural predator of the rat, but this is a myth...Prior to the post Plague Era, cats typically hung out with rats and interacted in a friendly manner. Felines were 'trained' to hate and kill rats by propagation of selective, propaganda elements incorporated into the reading material of cats on an on-going basis. Eventually, the feline community grew intensely agitated and hateful, to the point of attack; quite similar to our modern day Republican Party members who suffer at the hand of Green Party members. It was a Democratic Party ploy to convince Green Party members that Republicans were war mongers and generally malevolent, fascist who intended to convert their off-spring into non-pot smoking citizens...

     In my next column, I will be addressing the ill conceived notion that castration of dogs and cats has a feminizing affect upon the homosapien, particularly the radical "Butch" Lesbian.

Back to Index

Purchase Polly's 'Guide to Pet Care' (coming soon)

Watch Freagin Videos Here

    'HOW TO INSTALL A DOOR...'

 Installing a door can prove to be a cumbersome task, but not if you are equipped with hinges, screws and an opening in a wall...hanging a door flush against a wall will cause confusion by arriving guests and family members alike.

     If an opening doesn't already exist in the home you are planning an entranceway for, you must first knock a hole in the wall and attempt to get it as rectangular as possible. Next, measure the opening you have created and bring the measurements to the Gin Mill. Once you have had a few beers and gotten your fill of Eight Ball, you are ready to tackle the balance of the project at hand.

     Go to your local Door Store and purchase a suitable door, slightly smaller in size than the hole you knocked out in the wall. Make certain that the door has a frame attached to it so that you won't have to fuss with that aspect. Grab a couple of hinges and about six to eight screws. Don't forget to pick out a doorknob set and locking device if you plan to keep intruders out while you are away or sleeping.

     Place a hinge on one end of the door kind of high, and another one much lower. Next, you have to drill a hole where the lockset will go and stick that all together. Raise the contraption up into the hole and secure the hinges to the frame that you should have already installed. Slap some chalking all around the edges then nail some molding over the cracks to protect against cold drafts.

     That's about it, guy...You can now relax and enjoy a few moments of peace while the Mrs is admiring your handiwork, for the nagging to accomplish another project will shortly be in store for you....

Be sure to read Burl Knottheads next column in which he will instruct you in removing large tree stumps from the yard the easy way with a professional strength drain cleaner.

Back to Index

Purchase Burl Knottheads 'Home Improvement Guide' (coming soon)

GOURMET FOODS At AMAZON.COM BELOW

   Reducing Weight Through Moderation

     The American Council of Fat Control recently released it's annual report on the state of obesity in America. It concluded that the average citizen was 5 to 25 % greater in girth than they were a mere twenty years prior. Data was assembled and analysed using modern technics of body fat calipers directly connected by computer terminals to a highspeed data processor. The application model, was designed after the fat data collection module assembled by Dr. Adipose Tishu of the University of Antartica .

     Citing the need for recommendations to the American people, the Fat Control Council issued a broad appeal to moderate their caloric intake by a minimum of 004.3 percent at each meal throughout the day. By doing so, the average fat person would induce a state of retro-accumulation to the rate of 0.63 grams per day. In simple terms, that would translate to a collective gross, deflationary average of 63 grams per 100 subjects within a twentyfour hour measure.

     Human waste product would deminish by 0.13 percent average and collectively effect a mass reduction rate of 32 million tons over a 73 month cycle, bringing an expenditure reduction equal to $74,000. per 3.2 million segment of any given population through energy conservation at waste treatment facilities. The average resulting tax benefit would amount to .023 per every 3.1 worker earning at least 0.003 percent above the current minimum wage.

RagMag's Nutritionist, Brock O. Lee, is a recognized expert in the field of Calligraphy and Geneology.

Back to Index

Purchase Brock O. Lee's 'Diet & Nutrition Guide' (coming soon)

Columns | Home Page | Poetry | Ordering Info | Funny Short Stories

.