Ann Slanders  Mallard Kwack MD  Rose Daffydill  Polly Wannakraka  Burl Knotthead  Brock O. Lee 

Dearest Ann: Have you noticed lately that for the past thirty or so years, many people you know seem to be aging as the years progress? I myself have been baffled by the obvious changes in my complextion and hair color as of late. At seventy-five years of age I expect better. Do you think that it can be attributed to Global Warming? I do. Angry in Arizona

Dear Angry: Attribute it to anything you wish dearie...but don't fret your weary head over it all...you'll be dead soon, and it won't matter.

Dear Ms Slanders: Lately I've been having a lot of bad dreams about the world blowing up into a big cloud of dust and we all become dust mites. My Henry (thats my husband) says that I'm probably just freakin out over seeing George Bush looking ugly and mean on TV. What do you think?- Scared in Scranton

Dear Scared: I freak out quite frequently upon viewing President Bush's mug in print and on TV too. Your bad dream might come true very soon if he remains in office drinking with his hand on the button.

Dear Ann: I have been saving all my Susan B. Anthony dollars in a laundry bag for years now. It is huge and bulging at the seams and I'm afraid that if I don't get it to the bank soon, it will burst open all over my bathroom floor. If it does, it will prevent my kitty from using the litter box by the toilet and smell like cat crap. Please help me out of this dilemma due to the fact that I am too old to lug it all to the bank now. -Heavy in Havana

Dear Heavy: You poor woman...you should have been saving dimes instead because they are much lighter. Call the US Mint and see if they will come and exchange your Susan B's for Roosevelts...That will be the best solution. Good luck.

Dear Ms Slanders: My mother-in-law was invited to visit for the weekend two years ago and never left!!! When I ask her to go back home, she just scoffs at the request and gives me the finger...Last week, I tripped her as she was going down the stairs with hope that she would bump her head and loose her memory. In that way I could have driven her to a remote location and dumped her out of the car with-out having her find her way back. It didn't work...her thick scull just cracked three of my steps, now I'm left with a repair bill. Any suggestions? -Flustered in Flushing

 Dear Flustered: Get three estimates for the repair and go with the cheapest one.

Dear Ann: Sammy...that's my husband, he's a reaL good fer nothin bum who won't mow the lawn or nothin on his days off from the Gin Mill. He just lay round all day jus eatin dat popcorn and cussin at the umpire on the ball game and Family Feud. I try everythin I knows how, like blowin up dat damn TV set but he just gets a new one. Den I burnt dat couch he lay in, but dat didn't work much either. He sit on the floor now doin the same. What I can do?    -Baffled in Biloxi

Dear Baffled, Take some time away from your Sammy by returning to school. Your grammar is terrible...perhaps the man cannot understand you?

 Dear Ann: I'm at my wits end with my dumb neighbor, Mrs. Bangold...She stays up all night playing parade music and marches outside in the yard naked as a Jay Bird!! I think that its appalling for an eighty year old woman to be acting like this. When I call the police, they just come over and parade right behind her like its some kind of a joke. They start twirling their batons instead of beating her like she deserves. What can I do to get some sleep? -Tired in Toledo

Dear Tired: Oh you poor, poor man...Have a nice cup of Chamomile tea before you retire for the evening...that should solve the problem.

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Medical News

   by Dr Mallard Kwack MD       

       Contrary to popular belief, exercise is not complimentary to our health but rather, it is generally a harmful endeavor to pursue. Performing repetitive movement against resistance, whether using weights, body weight or gravity alone, one induces an effect of negative homeostasis within the cellular processes, thereby accelerating detrimental free radical production, leading to illness and early death.

    This theory was put to the test at the 'Institute for The Advanced Study of Microcellular Affects on the Human Anatomy Generated by Enthusiastic Repetitive Process', at the prestigious 'Society of the United Physicians International Doctrine' or 'STUPID' for short...located in southern Haiti. It was there that scientists proved beyond a shadow of doubt, that exercise in itself, was a worthless avenue towards optimum health.

     Dr. I.G. Noramus, Chief Research Officer of "STUPID" and his team of researchers, strapped a mere five pound weight to the backs of laboratory rats then prompted them by electronic shock, to run around a maze of obstacles. Each and every weighted subject fell dead within five hours of the test.

     They then acquired more rats and instructed these subjects to perform as little physical activity as possible, and set them loose to lounge at will without any cumbersome weights upon their backs. All subjects in the second group survived beyond two years, perfectly healthy and happy.

     Referencing this study, the AMA along with the United States Sturgeon General, issued a warning to Americans 'not' to indulge in any unnecessary activity and remain in their beds and couches as much as possible, if they wish to live a longer, healthier and more productive life.

Dr Mallard Kwack is a board certified Psychotic of the 'American Council of Psychological Practitioners' and serves on the 'Geriatric Planning Commission for the Prevention of Ancestry Amongst the Aged'....

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GARDENING  by Rose Daffydill

   Well...Spring has sprung finally, now it is our loving duty to get out there in the garden sweetie, and turn that lumpy hard soil with a pitchfork, making it just right for some new plantings.

     Before you begin deary...don't forget to protect those delicate membranes of yours with some cream or lotion. I prefer 'table cream' over those chemical filled drug store varieties. Just make sure that you have a rolled up newspaper around to beat off those pesky little kittens, that will certainly emerge once they get a whiff of dairy in the air. The little buggers will try to lick heck out of your tender little hands with their nasty sandpapery tongues....

     Once you have beaten back the onslaught of neighborhood cats, you may wish to protect the roots of your existing vines and shrubs against poking with the pitchfork. A good method for doing this is to acquire some bricks from a local building sight after all the workers have left for the day. If you wait until dark, that's even better.... Have your Hubbie accompany you as a look-out for passing vehicles...one might contain an Anti-Crime Police Officer who would certainly love to find you in an act of criminal mischief and shoot you plainly in the leg.

     Take the borrowed bricks and place them neatly around the base of your existing living plants. After doing so, you are free to jab and jab away at your hearts content without fear if injurious insult to the roots of your perfect perennials....

     Once you have turned the soil in your planting beds, sprinkle a generous amount of plant food, then water the whole mess with a hose. Re-enter your abode, pour a generous quantity of Vodka into your iced tea and turn on the Oprah show...Instruct your hubby what you expect to be served at dinner time, and kick off your shoes in the recliner.

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